Chuck The Geek.com

Remembering the pre-fatherhood days…

August 13th, 2008 by Chuck Sharp

I recently heard the news that one of our friend-couples are pregnant. Wow, I know they’re excited, and we’re very very happy for them. It got me thinking about how I was during the pregnancy phase. My wife was the pregnant one, I know. But I had to change too.

It’s weird now, 18 months after our daughter was born, to remember. I remember hearing the news. “Wow, this is the most amazing thing that’s ever happened.” I thought, or something like that. Then, <BAM!!> <KAZOW!!>. It hit me, or something did. As I thought about it (about 3 seconds after hearing it), I panicked. “This is not the right time! We don’t have the money! Steph’s still in school! I’m not ready! I’m not father material! I’m not sure I like babies! Sure, I like playing with older kids, and teens and adults are just fine and dandy, but seriously, diapers, puke, and no sleep? SERIOUSLY? ”

Of course, we had been trying to get pregnant for two years at that point, and we both really did want a child. The fact was, I had two problems.

The first problem was that the news didn’t make my reality. I understood it intellectually, I could talk, plan, and act as if we were pregnant, because I knew we were. But I didn’t really know it, feel it in my gut, understand it. It was a truly weird feeling. Over time, the pregnancy sunk in. But not the baby. The fact that I was father, married to a mother, with a newborn, really did not sink in for several days after our daughter was born! For nine months I was an inwardly confused, partially retarded man.

The second problem I faced was that I was truly, deeply, unbelievably afraid.

I was afraid of what this would mean for us, as mobile, young, fairly unattached people. We could do what we wanted, when we wanted. Go away for the weekend with no planning? No problem! Movie tonight? Let’s go!

I was afraid about our future. After all, we don’t have a ton of savings. Our townhouse isn’t big enough for a family. Our debt could smother us! And now we have to protect us and our child! And kids, man, I hear they’re expensive.

I was afraid most of all for my wife and unborn child. Every minute, it seemed, another risk popped into my head. I realized, with crystal clarity, what a horrible place this world is. There is no protection, no safe quarter, no possible way in the world I can ensure my family’s safety.

You see, I’m fearful by nature. Starting a family made this very evident. These fears, honestly, are still being resolved (I may have them forever). The important thing is that I don’t fear a tenth as much as I did. Between faith in God and time to adjust, life has gotten very real and very fun. Every day my daughter becomes more of a joy, more fun, more lovable. My wife and I continue to adjust, continue to renew and restore the fun-loving, easy-going time we had before. Life’s good, and (to be very cliché) I would not have it any other way.

Entry Filed under: Personal